I was a fat child that looooooved to eat. I was also quite spoilt. I would see an advert on TV, and then next time I went shopping with my Mum I would ask for the newest food item I had seen. I probably had a strop until I got it as well. Like I said, spoilt.
Here is another click bait list for you to peruse. I'm about to pass on my wisdom in regards to five things that should be brought back, and one that can burn in the fiery pits of hell.
5. Ice Magic
Ice Magic, for those not in the know, was a selection of sauces that you could pour onto your ice cream. Wait, that's not all. It would react with the cold of your ice cream and create a hard chocolate (or other flavour) shell over your ice cream. Like magic you see. Ice Magic!
To be honest, it was quite cheap tasting chocolate. It wasn't like having chunks of Dairy Milk in your ice cream, which is something I definitely also did. But it was the excitement of smashing through the chocolate shield to get to the ice cream underneath. The real challenge was to completely cover a scoop of ice cream in the stuff. Not easy but possible.
You can watch the bizarre skiing related advert here.
I've typed ice cream so many times in this section. Ice cream.
4. He-Man Jellies
I ate a lot of sweets as a kid. A lot! So many in fact that all my teeth went black and the mobile dentist that used to come to my primary school would shout at me. I hated that bitch. She made me wet myself once. 28 years old I was.
Anyway, these sweets were perfect for me. They were full of sugar, colourings and preservatives and they were in the shape of characters from one of my favourite shows. I can't remember what they tasted like. The way I ate I probably wouldn't have tasted much anyway. Imagine a human seagull, a bit like that.
3. 54321 Bar
That's pronounced five, four, three, two, one. Not fifty four thousand, three hundred and twenty one. That would be ridiculous!
Growing up in the 80s, some chocolate bars were categorised as wafers in my household. This meant that they were considered slightly healthier and therefore permitted to be in my lunchbox. So along with Trio and Club bars, the 54321 bar would find its way to school with me.
It promised five treats in one, but in all honesty it was just one treat with five components. I may have been a fat kid but I wasn't stupid.
The bar fused wafer, fondant, rice crispies and caramel smothered in thick milk chocolate. What more could I have asked for in my school lunch? More of these instead of a boring sandwich obviously.
You can watch the rather catchy advert here.
2. Top Deck
Top Deck was a low alcoholic drink that was sold in my local Spar shop. So near, so Spar. That was a stupid slogan.
I loved buying Top Deck; it made me feel tough as it had the tiniest amount of alcohol in it. In hot weather I used to wear vest tops a lot, so imagine a fat kid in a vest drinking a low alcoholic drink from a can. Basically an incredibly low rent Rab C Nesbitt, a character that was already low rent to begin with. Swine that ye are!
I'm not sure that they could market a drink with even the minutest amount of alcohol in to kids nowadays. Probably for the best to be honest.
1. Smiths Flavour 'n' Shake
Mmmmmmmattesons! I loved these crisps. Essentially salt 'n' shake but with sachets of flavoured powder instead of salt. The options were salt and vinegar, smokey bacon, fish 'n' chips, cheese and onion, worcester sauce and tomato ketchup. You would tip the powder into the bag, give it a shake and then enjoy one powder covered crisp and twenty or so completely plain ones. Delicious. My favourite flavour was all the flavours.
I couldn't find an advert for them so enjoy these boggle eyed potatoes that want to die for our consumption
0. Mighty White Bread ( burn in hell! )
Soft bread for tough kids. That was the slogan for this shit.
"Mum, I want to be tough. Apparently this cheap white bread will help. Can we get some of this instead of the other cheap white 80s sliced that we already get? Mum?...can I have some cheese?"
I think I managed one bite of Mighty White before I decided that it was the worst thing ever. It was like bread that had been dropped in a building site. Or on a gravel path. Or on the beach. But it did guarantee 30% more fibre than other cheap white bread on the market. That's how you sell something to kids, the promise of spending more time on the toilet. Aussie themed advert here.
Now I'm a big boy that wears long trousers and everything I have a much healthier diet. Well, fewer jelly sweets anyway.
I'm hungry. LEAVE ME ALONE!
Written by Mark
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