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Episode 170 - Beneath Nightmare Castle part 6
07/06/2022

Showing off sparkly stones, searching silent streets, and scuffles with scary suckers in the sixth session of Beneath Nightmare Castle... 

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Episode 169 - Beneath Nightmare Castle part 5
06/29/2022

We face fiery feats, flirt with femme fatales and freefall towards failure in the fifth phase of Beneath Nightmare Castle... 

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Episode 168 - Beneath Nightmare Castle part 4
06/22/2022

We deliver meals, deliver beatings and deliver laughs with varying levels of success, as we delve deeper into the dungeons and discover the depths of depravity Beneath Nightmare Castle... 

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Episode 167 - Beneath Nightmare Castle part 3
06/15/2022

There are unusual liquids, unfortunate transformations and unnecessary deaths in this unpleasant chapter of the unreadable Beneath Nightmare Castle.

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Episode 166 - Beneath Nightmare Castle part 2
06/08/2022

We drop names, drop off a balcony, and drop the ball as we investigate Neuburg and try not to drop to zero stamina.

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Episode 165 - Beneath Nightmare Castle part 1
06/01/2022

Captured, netted and helpless like so much Bonecrusher, we try to escape from beneath Nightmare Castle. Hey, that's the title of this book! 

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Episode 164 - Creature of Havoc part 6
05/25/2022

We take one more crack at Creature of Havoc, because people like this book for a reason, right? There's tension in the air and genuine stakes by the end of the episode. Nothing to do with the book though. That's rubbish. 

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Episode 163 - Creature of Havoc part 5
05/18/2022

It's eat or be eaten in the largely unimaginative dungeon inhabited by the Creature of Havoc. This book should have been called "Monster Munch."

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Episode 162 - Creature of Havoc part 4
05/11/2022

Mark is drunk out of his monster mind and has eaten a load of questionable flesh, so now some invisible things want to eat his flesh in return. Typical.

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Episode 161 - Creature of Havoc part 3
04/27/2022

We venture into the mind of the Creature of Havoc for a third time, having little to no control over our actions, fighting creatures who must surely be copyrighted, and killing everything we don't understand. 

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Episode 160 - Creature of Havoc part 2
04/20/2022

This week, a hideous clumsy man-monster with no social skills and a rudimentary understanding of the world around him plays a Fighting Fantasy book. 

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Episode 159 - Creature of Havoc part 1
04/13/2022

Evil witches are making monster-men, all our agency is taken away, and worse than that, we're forced to learn Welsh. 

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Episode 158 - The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain REVISITED part 9
4/6/2022

It's do or die this episode, as we erase last week's events from history and fight our way to the end of this book. One way or another we're finishing Firetop Mountain, and we're going to take out all our frustrations on any monsters or magicians who get in our way.

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Episode 157 - The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain REVISITED part 8
3/30/2022

Remember when we said last week’s episode was the worst one we’d ever made? Hold our decaffeinated tea... 

 

Episode 156 - The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain REVISITED part 7
3/23/2022

This is the worst episode of Campaign On Dice we have ever made and you shouldn't listen to it. In fact, Martyn has made it as hard as possible to listen to it. The good news is you can probably skip it and not miss anything. 

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Episode 155 - The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain REVISITED part 6
3/16/2022

We get to the part of the book where Steve and Ian relied on a thesaurus to come with synonyms for corridors, as endless tunnels, passageways, hallways and foyers lead us to people we may or may not have already met.

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Episode 154 - The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain REVISITED part 5
3/9/2022

A vampire wakes up in a bad mood and thinks it's our problem, as we try to turn the undead into the fun-dead. 

 

Episode 153 - The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain REVISITED part 4
3/2/2022

Martyn's treating this book like his childhood advent calendars - he's opening all the doors as soon as possible, and it's terrible for his health.    

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Episode 152 - The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain REVISITED part 3
2/23/2022

We're looking for a load of keys to fight a warlock or whatever, but we've got time to stop and play with an old man. Hope he keeps his hands to himself, the last thing we need is more hands... 

 

INTERMISSION - Campaign On Dice: Die Alone - Session Zero
2/16/2022

There's no new CoD this week due to a reason - however, as a brief interlude Martyn is joined by Tinah in a pilot for a new series. New game, new campaign, new dice... 

 

Episode 151 - The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain REVISITED part 2
2/9/2022

Proving we've learned nothing in the last three years, we continue randomly walking around corridors (corridors) without bothering to keep track of where we've been in any way.

 

Episode 150 - The Warlock Of Firetop Mountain REVISITED part 1
2/2/2022

We celebrate 150 episodes by heading back to the scene of our first and worst mistakes, and taking another crack at Firetop Mountain. Hope everyone likes listening at doors...

 

Episode 149 - Sorcery! The Crown of Kings part 3
1/26/2022

We find religion this week as we encounter a scary preacher and test our faith in Libra, despite living in a world where gods and goddesses are definitively and demonstrably real, and thoughts and prayers actually mean something.  

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Episode 148 - Sorcery! The Crown of Kings part 2
1/19/2022

It’s our raunchiest episode yet, with nudity, groaning and throbbing all over the place, all accompanied by the best voice work Tim has ever done.

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Episode 147 - Sorcery! The Crown of Kings part 1
1/12/2022

Bag of teeth in hand and Tim in tow, we head back to Kakhabad to face our most daring quest yet - measuring up caves like some kind of fantasy estate agents.

 

Episode 146 - Masks of Mayhem part 8
1/5/2022

How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? One will see you in a while, and the other one will attempt to do sustained damage to your perineum.

 

Episode 145 - Masks of Mayhem part 7
12/22/2021

Will we finish this book before the end of the year? Having seen plenty of horns and helmets, will we see any actual masks? And if so many of these creatures are NOT EVIL, why do they insist on attacking us?

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Episode 144 - Masks of Mayhem part 6
12/15/2021

Things take a sexy turn as we try to impress a man so he'll give us his horn. That's the episode description.

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Episode 143 - Masks of Mayhem part 5
12/8/2021

You either lose a fighting fantasy book as the hero or play it long enough to see yourself become a villain. Hope we don’t meet any innocent creatures minding their own business… 

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Episode 142 - Masks of Mayhem part 4
12/1/2021

“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you...” And by abyss, we of course mean Martyn's ever widening perineum. 

 

Episode 141 - Masks of Mayhem part 3
11/24/2021

Mirror mirror, let's discuss; what did Kevin do to us?

 

Episode 140 - Masks of Mayhem part 2
11/17/2021

After two horrifying deaths, have we learned our lesson? Of course, so let's go for a stroll in a forest next to a lake called NEKROS and have a sleep on our own in the dark.

 

Episode 139 - Masks of Mayhem part 1
11/10/2021

A Welsh wizard tells us to go and kill a woman for putting masks on some rock people, because we are the best at that and will definitely do well. When have we ever let you down?

 

Episode 138 - Sorcery! The Seven Serpents part 5
11/3/2021

We've had to go into hiding at the beginning of this episode, but what are we hiding away from? Marsh goblins? One of the Seven Serpents? Or the population of Birmingham out for blood after hearing the massacre of their accent?

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Episode 137 - Sorcery! The Seven Serpents part 4
10/27/2021

Bubbles lead to troubles this week as we find religion, a serpent finds us, and Tim tries his best not to sigh. what will run out first, our stamina or Tim's patience? 

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Episode 136 - Sorcery! The Seven Serpents part 3
10/20/2021

We're back after a week off, and we have to use magic against some invisible cats in a forest because you said so. But what's worse, the roar of an angry SNATTACAT or the sigh of a weary Tim?

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Episode 135 - Sorcery! The Seven Serpents part 2
10/6/2021

Will we visit a caravan or a snake charmer? Will we start a fight with problematic undertones? Which one of us does Tim think is the funniest? The answers may surprise you. But they probably definitely won't.

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Episode 134 - Sorcery! The Seven Serpents part 1
9/29/2021

Killed by HARPIES? Not us, that was someone else. We're continuing our journey from Anal-Land through Kakhabad, armed only with Tim's competence and all the stuff we stole off our previous character's corpse.

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Episode 133 - Robot Commando (second attempt) part 6
9/22/2021

We're heading to the enemy encampment, and this is finally the episode where our note-taking skills allow us to make significant progress. Wait, which city are we in again...?

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Episode 132 - Robot Commando (second attempt) part 5
9/15/2021

We have to make a magic wake-up potion for the whole world, but we need a thing we tore to shreds last time. Not a problem in this book, which actively encourages repeating everything you've done endlessly forever. Nice work, STEVE!

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Episode 131 - Robot Commando (second attempt) part 4
9/8/2021

Stebson the snake robot is spoiling for a rumble in the City of the Jungle. Good job we're facing a MAN TRAP and not a GIANT ROBOT SNAKE TRAP.

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Episode 130 - Robot Commando (second attempt) part 3
9/1/2021

In this episode we head to the City of Pleasure, where Steve says there are a thousand different amusements. No wonder this episode is so long!

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Episode 129 - Robot Commando (second attempt) part 2
8/18/2021

We've spent too much time pressing buttons in lifts and wasting time in corridors, so we're definitely not going to do any more of that. Also, we absolutely understand how combat works in these books after 128 episodes, and we're not going to get anything wrong.

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Episode 128 - Robot Commando (second attempt) part 1 LIVE
8/11/2021

There are bots everywhere and everyone's asleep... and that's just the live chat LOL jk etc. Due to popular demand we're restarting Robot Commando with a live audience to help us make exciting decisions about corridors. 

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Episode 127 - Robot Commando part 3
8/4/2021

We've fought robots and dinosaurs, and now we have to fight a robot dinosaur. It's definitely not a copyright-infringing duplicate of any other robot dinosaur though, and Steve Jackson has never even heard of Grimlock so stop asking him about it.

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Episode 126 - Robot Commando part 2
7/28/2021

Driving through a college in a big digger looking for dinosaur fights and also a way to wake up the rest of the planet if we have time after all the dinosaur fights. That's the life of a Robot Commando. Hey, that's the title of this book! 

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Episode 125 - Robot Commando part 1
07/21/2021

Welcome to Thalos, where every ten-year-old's action figure dreams are brought to life, as robots fight dinosaurs and other robots, and you get to steal a digger if you like and nobody minds. Nice! 

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Episode 124 - Sorcery! Kharé Cityport of Traps part 7
07/14/2021

Some weird bird women are attacking a blind man and for some reason we’re not running away. How long will our luck and our only Stamina point hold out? And will it last longer than Tim’s patience? 

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Episode 123 - Sorcery! Kharé Cityport of Traps part 6
07/07/2021

Barely alive and clinging on to 1 point of stamina, we could head to safety and try to escape the city. Instead we go rooting around in a spooky crypt in a world where monsters and ghouls are proven to be real. Whose stupid idea was that listeners?

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Episode 122 - Sorcery! Kharé Cityport of Traps part 5
06/30/2021

Could we beat up some weird kids on the street? Probably not. But should we beat up some weird kids on the street? What would a man of the law think about that? 

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Episode 121 - Sorcery! Kharé Cityport of Traps part 4
06/23/2021

Bald and trouserless, we resume our journey through Kharé with our wares on display for all to see. But whose wares will we deem worthy to inspect? 

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Episode 120 - Sorcery! Kharé Cityport of Traps part 3
06/16/2021

Take an interesting-looking chain? Don't mind if we do. Who's going to stop us? A chainmaker? I'd like to see him try. What's he going to attack us with - his chains? Oh yeah...

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Episode 119 - Sorcery! Kharé Cityport of Traps part 2
06/09/2021

We buckle to peer pressure and try some narcotics in this episode, leading to some animal encounters which may or may not have actually happened. Just say no kids.

 

Episode 118 - Sorcery! Kharé Cityport of Traps part 1
06/02/2021

We find ourselves back in the land of Sorcery, joined once more by Tim as he attempts to guide us through Kharé, which is both  a city and a port. It's known for its traps, so nothing can possibly go wrong, and we're definitely not going to get locked up in the first episode like a couple of amateurs...

 

Episode 117 - Trial of Champions part 9
05/26/2021

As we approach the end of the Trial of Champions, there's only one question we all desperately want the answer to... will we ever get to fight the TWO HEDGEHOGS?

 

Episode 116 - Trial of Champions part 8
05/19/2021

With every Giant Tongue or Karate Zombie we face, it's becoming clearer that Ian never expected anyone to survive the initial Arena of Death and just started writing any old rubbish. How are we still alive? We may very well not be...

 

Episode 115 - Trial of Champions part 7
05/05/2021

Surviving longer than expected despite throwing ourselves at every challenge, we find ourselves surrounded by filth and innuendo. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but sometimes you're tugging off a caveman or pulling on an elephant's trunk...

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Episode 114 - Trial of Champions part 6
04/28/2021

With stamina low and no sandwiches to fall back on, all we can do now is hope all the monsters we run into are a bit rubbish. We rolled high for luck didn't we...?

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Episode 113 - Trial of Champions part 5
04/21/2021

After being shot to bits by bats, Martyn runs a gauntlet of corridors and creatures. Well, walks a gauntlet. Actually, it's more of a slow crawl...

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Episode 112 - Trial of Champions part 4
04/14/2021

We finally put the Arena of Death behind us to give our listeners what they really want - endless corridors, disappointing fights and empty rooms full of stuff. 

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Episode 111 - Trial of Champions part 3
04/07/2021

Bonecrusher works on repairing his delicate balance and his relationship with his kids, as another holidaymaker enters the Arena of Death and Martyn begins a new slops-stained adventure.

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Episode 110 - Trial of Champions part 2
03/31/2021

Bonecrusher may have crushed Martyn's bones, but now Mark enters the Arena of Death as a new slave holidaymaker and he's probably possibly maybe not going to have his bones crushed. Straight away.

 

Episode 109 - Trial of Champions part 1
03/24/2021

Welcome to Blood Island, home of the Trial of Champions and the Arena of Death. But don't let the name fool you. It's really more of an amphitheatre.

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Episode 108 - Sorcery! The Shamutanti Hills part 5
03/17/2021

We've come this far and barely touched our spells, but with a skill-sapping curse in place we might not have any choice. After all, the book is called Sorcery, not Stabbery. Will we meet a MANTICORE before Tim is driven away by our incompetence? 

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Episode 107 - Sorcery! The Shamutanti Hills part 4
03/10/2021

Cursed by a witch and infected with the plague, we do the responsible thing and visit as many crowded public places as possible without social distancing.

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Episode 106 - Sorcery! The Shamutanti Hills part 3
03/03/2021

From charity work to women in cages, there's a broad and questionable spectrum of encounters this week as Mark and Martyn continue their journey through the Shamunatatantiti Hills, or Shamutanti Hills if you can read like Tim.

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Episode 105 - Sorcery! The Shamutanti Hills part 2
02/24/2021

Death by acorns or starvation? Mark and Martyn continue exploring the Shamutanti Hills whilst Tim does all the heavy lifting, but will teamwork make the dream work, or will indecision cause division? 

 

Episode 104 - Sorcery! The Shamutanti Hills part 1
02/17/2021

It's a change of pace this week as someone who can actually read leads Mark and Martyn through the first of Steve Jackson's Sorcery! series. Tim Byrne faces the challenge of wrangling two players who are so bad he needed to be on the other side of the planet to deal with them.

 

Episode 103 - Sword of the Samurai (second attempt) part 3
02/10/2021

Stuck in a prison cell with no katana, no wakizashi and no Moichi, Mark has no option but to convince a Shikome gaoler that he's got a poorly tum tum. This probably shouldn't be the first episode you listen to is what I'm saying.

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Episode 102 - Sword of the Samurai (second attempt) part 2
02/03/2021

Mark continues on his journey to retrieve the Shogun's sword as he fights some genuine monsters and tries to maintain his honour. Luckily, honour and dignity are not the same thing.

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Episode 101 - Sword of the Samurai (second attempt) part 1
01/27/2021

A new warrior has entered the ring! Mark picks up his katana and wakizashi and heads out with two things on his mind - find the Shogun's sword, and don't get eaten to death by disembodied heads.

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Episode 100 - Sword of the Samurai part 1
01/20/2021

What's the best way to celebrate one hundred episodes of bad reading and questionable battle tactics? An adventure which requires the pronunciation of difficult words and honourable combat of course!

 

Episode 99 - Demons of the Deep part 6
01/13/2021

A lot of fish have been punched throughout this book, so one more shouldn't be a problem. It doesn't matter how big it is. Get ready to listen to our story again, weird little underwater goblin man. Easiest win ever.

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Episode 98 - Demons of the Deep part 5
01/06/2021

After slaying a Sea Dragon we must be about to take on something pretty powerful. A Seahorse? Sure. Some worms? Okay... A window? I guess we need something to throw this book out of...

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Episode 97 - Demons of the Deep part 4
12/23/2020

Four episodes in and still no demons. Barely any mythical creatures at all in fact. But apparently there's a Dragon around here somewhere, and Dragons are pretty cool, right? Oh, it's a Sea Dragon. It looks like what? Shit.

 

Episode 96 - Demons of the Deep part 3
12/16/2020

Up until now, you'd be forgiven for thinking that this book has just been Mark punching fish. Well, that's all about to change, because... no, wait, it's still basically fish punching. Sorry.

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Episode 95 - Demons of the Deep part 2
12/09/2020

Mark continues his journey through Demons of the Deep, having a lovely time pillaging pearls and filleting fish without a care in the world. You wouldn't invite him to the Sea Life Centre is what I'm saying.

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Episode 94 - Demons of the Deep part 1: LIVE!
12/02/2020

"Under the seeeaa, under the seeeaa, We'll fight some barracudas, With gills, don't need scuba, Under the seeeeeaa!" We start a new book and we're DOING IT LIVE! This week we're joined by some of our regular listeners to help make the decisions and fight the battles with the Demons of the Deep...

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Episode 93 - Rebel Planet (second attempt) part 8
11/25/2020

We have the code, but do we have the will to continue? Probably not, but it's glory or bust as we resolve to finish our stay on the Rebel Planet one way or another. 

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Episode 92 - Rebel Planet (second attempt) part 7
11/18/2020

Was there ever a time when we weren't playing Rebel Planet? This is the longest we have ever played anything, and as our sanity falls apart, apparently so does the fabric of reality within this story...

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Episode 91 - Rebel Planet (second attempt) part 6
11/11/2020

Gregg Wallace continues on his murderous path, killing every living thing he comes across whilst looking for a sword and the last part of a binary code for some reason. This book should be over by now, why are we still here? 

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Episode 90 - Rebel Planet (second attempt) part 5
11/04/2020

Being a human on Radix isn’t much fun. When you’re not being racially profiled and arrested, you’re being thrown into gladiatorial arenas and fed slops. Space slops. 

 

Episode 89 - Rebel Planet (second attempt) part 4
10/28/2020

Ransacking a space museum, starting fights with innocent people and a return to a Campaign on Dice favourite - endless corridors! Space corridors!

 

Episode 88 - Rebel Planet (second attempt) part 3
10/21/2020

When you're going through space-Customs, is it worse to have a laser sword or a "massage" robot in your luggage? It doesn't matter, because we've got both. Also, no trousers.

 

Episode 87 - Rebel Planet (second attempt) part 2
10/14/2020

It's robo-hover-space-deja vu all over again, as we go shopping, get into pointless bar fights and have another go at solving a puzzle made for ten-year-olds.

 

Episode 86 - Rebel Planet (second attempt) part 1
10/07/2020

We head back to Tropos as Martyn tackles the Rebel Planet and this time decides to pay attention and LISTEN! That will make more sense after you've heard the episode...

 

Episode 85 - Rebel Planet part 3
09/30/2020

Time for a big old space punch up, as Mark is cornered in a club with only a laser sword for protection and twice as much skill and stamina as all of his other opponents. 

 

Episode 84 - Rebel Planet part 2
09/23/2020

What do you do after you fight lizard men armed with ice creams? Anything you like I suppose, but as with most roleplaying games the time has come for the inevitable shopping episode. All the fun of adding up numbers and writing things down. In space! 

 

Episode 83 - Rebel Planet part 1
09/16/2020

It's time for a new adventure on the Rebel Planet, a science fiction story written in the 80s which means everything is a space-this or a hover-that or a robo-such-and-such. So put in your space-headphones and hover-listen to today's robo-episode. May our space-stamina never hover-fail!

 

Episode 82 - Appointment with F.E.A.R. (second attempt) part 4
09/09/2020

The Jazz Mind is dead. Long live the Swiss Army Knight. Probably not too long though, considering how badly last week's battles went. This week, a moral dilemma - save the president of the USA, or do the right thing? 

 

Episode 81 - Appointment with F.E.A.R. (second attempt) part 3
09/02/2020

The Jazz Mind faces his strongest foe yet as our listeners decided he should punch a rock monster with his normal human hands instead of running away. It's a pretty one-sided fight to the death, so don't blame us for stretching this episode out a bit.

 

Episode 80 - Appointment with F.E.A.R. (second attempt) part 2
08/26/2020

Last episode Jazz Mind saw off some radioactive dogs with his Jazz Mind powers, and if you were hoping animal cruelty wasn't going to rear its ugly head this episode you are about to be disappointed. Don't blame us, blame Steve for writing it. And for writing several other questionable things which have since been edited to be more acceptable for a 21st century audience.

 

Episode 79 - Appointment with F.E.A.R. (second attempt) part 1
08/19/2020

We return to Titan city for another attempt to defeat the forces of F.E.A.R., or at least keep our appointment with it this time, as Martyn steps into the sparkly boots of a new hero with the power of "Magic Move Mind."

 

Episode 78 - Appointment with F.E.A.R. part 3
08/05/2020

Criminals, by nature, are a cowardly and superstitious lot. To instill fear into their hearts, the Silver Crusader went to his local swimming pool for a bit of relaxing down time. This is pretty much how Mark would behave as a superhero, only with more biscuit-eating involved. 

 

Episode 77 - Appointment With F.E.A.R. part 2
07/29/2020

With great power there must also come great responsibility. But with rubbish powers you might as well go to an amusement park, right?

 

Episode 76 - Appointment With F.E.A.R. part 1
07/22/2020

Look, up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Yes, it's probably those things. Mark becomes an embarrassingly low tier superhero this week, bravely facing the evils of office work before creating as much street crime as he tackles.

 

Episode 75 - Seas of Blood part 5
07/15/2020

Our holidaymaking takes us to Palm Island this week, and Martyn is keen to use his magic bird stick to prove he's the best pirate. This book is stupid.

 

Episode 74 - Seas of Blood part 4
07/08/2020

The holiday cruise on the Seas of Blood continues as the crew of the Banshee head to Roc, which can't possibly be named after a giant murderous mythical bird that will want to peck everyone to death. Still, at least there are plenty of crew members to help fight off any... oh.

 

Episode 73 - Seas of Blood part 3
07/01/2020

We’re a jolly good ship with a jolly good crew, Away for Trysta! We can stick to the coast though we’re lost if we do, And we’re bound for the Seas of Blood!

 

Episode 72 - Seas of Blood part 2
06/24/2020

We've only got a limited amount of time, so it's vital that every single thing we do in this book advances the plot. With that in mind, Martyn goes gambling.

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Episode 71 - Seas of Blood part 1
06/17/2020

We’re starting a new book and a pirate adventure on the Seas Of Blood! So come with me, to the rolling sea, While the weather's calm and still. And we'll have some fun and laughter Watching all of the crew get killed.

 

Episode 70 - The Rings of Kether part 6
06/10/2020

It's all come down to this - the final confrontation with "Blaster" Babbet. And we only have two questions; one, who are we? And two, what are we doing here? 

 

Episode 69 - The Rings of Kether part 5
06/03/2020

Mark takes a break from space-crime solving to take part in space Total Wipeout, fighting cubes and spheres and three-eyed potato men, with and without gravity depending on whether Andrew Chapman remembers it exists or not.

 

Episode 68 - The Rings of Kether part 4
05/27/2020

After solving the world's hardest riddle from last week, we're back on the trail of space drugs and a horrible woman. And by the end of this episode we will have vanquished one of them completely. 

 

Episode 67 - The Rings of Kether part 3
05/20/2020

The space vice squad are the best space policemen. Someone's done a space murder? No time for that, we're on the trail of some space drugs. Are the space drugs in that space building? Why not drive a space vehicle through the walls to find out? This is the best book I have ever read.

 

Episode 66 - The Rings of Kether part 2
05/13/2020

This may be the most exciting episode we've ever recorded, as we try to arrange a meeting with a man called Clive. There's also a sloop and a man in a tree, but the biggest casualty is the English language, which is mercilessly slaughtered and expires.

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Episode 65 - The Rings of Kether part 1
05/06/2020

It's time for a new adventure, as Mark goes undercover as a space cop in the space narcotics division. Just say no to space drugs, space kids. In space!

 

Episode 64 - Temple of Terror (second attempt) part 7
04/29/2020

If you've felt yourself getting bored during the pandemic lockdown, take comfort from the fact that we have spent at least five hours between us exploring the Temple of Terror. Egyptian Skeletors and 90s panel show "comedians" stand between us and our goal. But does Nigel Havers have what we need in his sack...?

 

Episode 63 - Temple of Terror (second attempt) part 6
04/22/2020

No pearl, no handbell, no shame. There are bone flutes and golden showers though, as we continue to explore this temple of so-called terror, which frankly seems more and more like a seedy little sex dungeon every week.

 

Episode 62 - Temple of Terror (second attempt) part 5
04/15/2020

Walking around art-filled corridors with a load of keys; this book should have been called Museum Caretaker. Of Terror.

 

Episode 61 - Temple of Terror (second attempt) part 4
04/08/2020

It's corridors corridors corridors this week, as we travel from corridor to corridor, experiencing all the fun of navigating through corridors. It's not all corridors though, because... oh wait, yes it is. It's all corridors. Sorry. "Sorridor." 

 

Episode 60 - Temple of Terror (second attempt) part 3
04/01/2020

We may or may not be in a temple, it's impossible to say. We could ask for directions, but the only people to ask are Rat Men and Catweazles.

 

Episode 59 - Temple of Terror (second attempt) part 2
03/25/2020

In the desert you can't remember your name 'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain... ...apart from giant sandworms and scorpions that finished Mark off in our previous attempt. Will Martyn fair any better? And is the last entry in this book "404 - Temple Not Found"?

 

Episode 58 - Temple of Terror (second attempt) part 1
03/18/2020

It's Martyn's turn to go looking for a temple in the book that should have been called "Boat-Trip-Desert-Holiday of Terror." It's less catchy, but would have resulted in fewer angry and unsatisfied readers.

 

Episode 57 - Temple of Terror part 3
03/11/2020

Will we ever find a temple in this book about a temple? Not if this GIANT SANDWORM has anything to say about it. It's a battle for the ages as Mark squares off against his toughest opponent yet, with more than half the listeners betting against him... 

 

Episode 56 - Temple of Terror part 2
03/04/2020

It's all bar fights, cannonball smites and long desert nights this episode, as we continue playing the increasingly inaccurately-titled Temple of Terror.

 

Episode 55 - Temple of Terror part 1
02/26/2020

We're back in make believe medieval monster times as Mark takes on the Temple of Terror. Probably. Eventually. If we can make it through all the other locations we died at previously in Ian's meticulously made mind map of the land of Allansia...

 

Episode 54 - Freeway Fighter (second attempt) part 3
02/19/2020

We're on an important mission to pick up some extremely rare and valuable petrol, and we'll totally get on that right after we finish killing time in pointless death races, pimping our ride and stopping to investigate everything we come across. What could go wrong?

 

Episode 53 - Freeway Fighter (second attempt) part 2
02/12/2020

Martyn's chatting up Chuck Norris and getting goaded into a death race this week, as he wastes petrol to gain petrol in this confusing installment of Freeway Fighter.

 

Episode 52 - Freeway Fighter (second attempt) part 1
02/05/2020

We have another go at fighting freeways this week, as Martyn climbs into the adjusted and heavily reinforced seat of the Dodge Interceptor. He can't even drive!

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Episode 51 - Freeway Fighter part 3
01/29/2020

Here in my car, I can drop iron spikes, I release oil sprays, I can do handbrake turns, In cars...

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Episode 50 - Freeway Fighter part 2
01/22/2020

I like driving in my car; it don't look much but I've been far. Blowing up a load of stuff; knuckle dusters make me tough. I like driving in my car; even with a flat ty-re. Taking on a biker gang; shooting bad men in the wang.

 

Episode 49 - Freeway Fighter part 1
01/08/2020

This book is nothing like Mad Max. It's a very different, completely original story about post apocalyptic road warriors fighting for fuel. Stop thinking about Mad Max.

 

Episode 48 - Space Assassin part 5
12/18/2019

We go from Space Assassins to Space Ninja Warriors this week, as Martyn swings from Space girders and jumps through Space chutes in pursuit of Space Roger Daltrey. In Space!

 

Episode 47 - Space Assassin part 4
12/11/2019

It's a whole new ball game this week, and we don't mean Zero-G Fangball. We have to learn the rules of a tank battle game for no good reason, and end up putting the fate of the entire adventure in the hands of a dice roll. Is it just me, or is there very little assassining going on in Space Assassin...?

 

Episode 46 - Space Assassin part 3
12/04/2019

Space nazis with polished scalps and puzzling pig-men with whopping great disintegrators. Just another day in the life of a Space Ass-ass-in. I think I'd rather take my chances in the nearest airlock.

 

Episode 45 - Space Assassin part 2
11/27/2019

This week we make friends with a well-endowed stranger, wrestle massive tentacles with our bare hands, and steal a simpering head. Space is weird.

 

Episode 44 - Space Assassin part 1
11/20/2019

We're thrust into the future for a brand new adventure, as we recreate the most exciting part of all sci-fi franchises - crawling around in endless corridors and opening bland nondescript hatches. And whilst the admin in this book is horribly over-complicated, we do know one thing for sure... D = dead.

 

Episode 43 - Talisman of Death part 5

13/11/2019

From a troll who may not be real, to a zombie pop star, to a monk with an insect on his head; every page of this book seems to have been created by a random encounter generator. But will we escape Orb with the Talisman? And will Mark eat the dick apple?

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Episode 42 - Talisman of Death part 4

​​06/11/2019

First we don't have the Talisman of Death, then we do have it, then we don't... will we have it by the end of this episode? Will we upset people with our bizarre array of accents? Will any of the characters take a bite of the glass pancake?

https://wagonwheels.libsyn.com/bonus-and-then-a-dog-turned-up-episode-2

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Episode 41 - Talisman of Death part 3

30/10/2019​​

Last time we went home with a stranger. This time it's all seedy bars, gangs of thieves and cage fights. Join us in the downward spiral our lives have become since we started searching for the Talisman of Death. Anyone for slops?

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Episode 40 - Talisman of Death part 2
23/10/2019

Are we on a quest for the Talisman of Death, or do we already have the Talisman of Death? Will anyone else offer us food from their nether regions? And will Mark get to meet the ENVOY OF DEATH? Find the answers to these questions and more by listening to this podcast.

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Episode 39 - Talisman of Death part 1
16/10/2019

Welcome to Orb, a world full of talking creatures and dubious fruit storage, where accents are as varied as they are confusing. But what's the story about? Nobody knows!

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Episode 38 - House of Hell (second attempt) part 1
09/10/2019

After Mark was taken away by bad men last episode, it's Martyn's turn to enter the House of Hell and get boozed up with fear whilst a vampire and his butler try their best to kill him with hospitality.

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Episode 37 - House of Hell part 3
02/10/2019

Trapped in a vampire’s house and scared half to death, now Mark is walking through mirrors. That’s what happens when you get drunk in the House of Hell. What’s the point of this book anyway? To find a phone? To kill a vampire? To open all the doors? We do our best to achieve at least one of these goals in this week’s episode.

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Episode 36 - House of Hell part 2
25/09/2019

Locked in a strange house full of scary things, desperately searching for a way out or a phone, the best thing you could do is get drunk. Mark has taken on the challenge to down some booze every time his fear level increases. Hope he doesn't lose his head. That's a reference to a ghost that appears in the book.

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Episode 35 - House of Hell part 1
18/09/2019

"Somebody’s knocking at the door, Somebody’s ringing the bell. Somebody’s listening at the window, Oh no, it's the House of Hell..." We’ve broken down on a dark and stormy night, so of course the most sensible thing to do is approach the spookiest house you can find and start snooping around. Just stay in your car and read a book. Maybe a Steve Jackson book. Not that Steve Jackson. The other Steve Jackson.

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Episode 34 - Caverns of the Snow Witch part 3
04/09/2019

We're back to our old tricks of listening at doors and sticking our finger into things we probably shouldn't, as we go looking for the Snow Witch and hope that she'll offer us some Turkish Delight instead of trying to kill us. It might happen, you don't know.

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Episode 33 - Caverns of the Snow Witch part 2
28/08/2019

Too fat to blend in with the elven slaves of the Snow Witch? Better lay off those sandwiches... Things are looking bleak but we try to stay frosty whilst this adventure moves at a glacial pace. It would be cool if we could chill for a while, but we're doing the polar opposite. See Ian, there are lots of different ways to describe cold things.

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Episode 32 - Caverns of the Snow Witch part 1
21/08/2019

Real provisions mean real danger as Martyn puts his stomach on the line to meet a listener challenge whilst climbing a mountain to hunt a Yeti. Why isn't everyone listening to this podcast? It sounds amazing.

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Episode 31 - Scorpion Swamp part 5
14/08/2019

We made our way to Willowbend just like Poomchukker wanted - quest over, right? Then why are we still in this stupid swamp? Graph paper map, do your thing...

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Episode 30 - Scorpion Swamp part 4
07/08/2019

With our stamina about to fail, you voted for us to have a fight with a massive scorpion. At this rate we'll never meet all the Norwegian 80s pop stars hanging around in this swamp for some reason.

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Episode 29 - Scorpion Swamp part 3
31/07/2019

We're making good progress through the Scorpion Swamp, mostly thanks to our graph paper map. Just think, kids used to laugh at me for drawing imaginary maps on graph paper. Well who's laughing now? Still them probably.

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Episode 28 - Scorpion Swamp part 2
24/07/2019

We took our chances with the mysterious Poomchukker, so now we're venturing into the Scorpion Swamp to meet wild Bee Gees and Evil Dead trees, casting spells that freeze and making lots of enemies.

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Episode 27 - Scorpion Swamp part 1
17/07/2019

It's time to start a new adventure, and this time we've got no provisions, confusing new rules about spells and gems, and a Steve Jackson who isn't the real Steve Jackson. But will a new Steve Jackson be a better Steve Jackson?

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Episode 26 - Island of the Lizard King part 4a
10/07/2019

After last week's controversy, the audience has spoken and we were firmly told we didn't win. With that in mind, we decide to rewind time and have another go without the gold nugget. Because if we're going to lose, we're going to lose properly damn it. So meet us back at the Hobgoblin's bridge, and let's go hunting for Lizard Kings!

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Episode 25 - Island of the Lizard King part 4
03/07/2019

Tensions are running high on the Island of the Lizard King, as your hosts disagree about the location of a gold nugget. Sadly, an argument over a children’s book isn’t the worst thing Mark and Martyn have done in their podcasting careers, and Schrödinger’s gold nugget won’t get in the way of a good adventure. Or this one.

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Episode 24 - Island of the Lizard King part 3
26/06/2019

In this episode we remember the reason we came to the Island of the Lizard King - to track down mediocre 90s electronic dance music bands and win their favour with the remains of dead things.

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Episode 23 - Island of the Lizard King part 2
19/06/2019

Just another day on the island of the Lizard King, drinking all the liquids we find, trying on discarded clothes we happen to come across, and starting fights with everyone and everything we meet. We're like a tramp from a 70s sitcom.

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Episode 22 - Island of the Lizard King part 1
12/06/2019

We travel to the Island of the Lizard King, and like typical British tourists head straight to the beach and end up fighting off crabs.

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Episode 21 - Deathtrap Dungeon (second attempt) part 2
05/06/2019

If you only listen to one podcast with two grown men baffled by a riddle in a children's book this week, make it this one. But what fate awaits Mark in the Deathtrap Dungeon? Will he survive longer than Martyn? Will he defeat Sukumvit and win the treasure? And what the hell is a Manticore?

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Episode 20 - Deathtrap Dungeon (second attempt) part 1
29/05/2019

Accident in a dungeon? Have you died in a borehole and it wasn't your fault? You may be eligible to claim another go and send in your friend to claim the treasure you felt you were owed. This week we see the results of democracy in action, as the listeners voted to send Mark into Deathtrap Dungeon to avenge Martyn's untimely death-by-giant-worm. Fresh from the City of Thieves, he's here to eat sandwiches and skin things... and he's all out of sandwiches. No wait, he's got ten.

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Episode 19 - Deathtrap Dungeon part 2
15/05/2019

Prising jewels out of the heads of statues, retrieving treasure and artifacts from pits filled with unspeakable slimy creatures... Playing this book is as much fun as an Indiana Jones adventure. Unfortunately that adventure is "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." It's not fun is what I'm saying. 

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Episode 18 - Deathtrap Dungeon part 1
08/05/2019

A new quest awaits us as we go to another awful-sounding place in search of.... phhh, treasure? Glory? Boredom-removal? Your life would have to be pretty bad to make a conscious decision to visit a place called "Deathtrap Dungeon." Or the TripAdvisor reviews would have to be really good.

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Episode 17 - City of Thieves part 6
01/05/2019

We're gathering the ingredients to kill skeletal monstrosity Zanbar Bone. As our quest nears the end, will we have what it takes to defeat the bone-faced idiot? Let's just say I wouldn't want to be an undead skeleton man right now. Or ever. In general. 

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Episode 16 - City of Thieves part 5
24/04/2019

So we've got the Hag's Hair, and we've got the Black Pearl, and this book is feeling increasingly like being a work experience kid at a builder's yard. Still, someone in the City of Thieves must have some tartan paint and bubbles for spirit levels. When the goblin gets back with our long wait we can ask him.

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Episode 15 - City of Thieves part 4
17/04/2019

How do you kill an evil skellington man? Undertake a convoluted treasure hunt through a city of thieves to find silver arrows and the ingredients to make a compound to rub into his eyes. I don't know about you, but I'd probably just go home.

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Episode 14 - City of Thieves part 3
10/04/2019

Three episodes into this book, things are getting tense... will we meet the wizard with the power to vanquish Zanbar Bone? Will Mark finish his natty ensemble made of dead things? Will we survive another episode so we don't have to buy the next book yet?

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Episode 13 - City of Thieves part 2
03/04/2019

How do you find a wizard in a city of thieves? Kill everything you meet and wear it as a hat? Yeah, that's as good a plan as we've ever had.

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Episode 12 - City of Thieves part 1
27/03/2019

Mark and Martyn are heading into the City of Thieves to find a wizard to stop a bad man from abducting a lady. Or something. Look, there was a lot of reading involved, and I was distracted by the finest broadsword ever. Watch out goblins, man-orcs and uh, guards who are just trying to do their jobs.

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Episode 11 - Starship Traveller part 3
20/03/2019

Martyn and Mark are aimlessly travelling from planet to planet trying to find a way back to Earth. Will they escape the pointy stick-wielding aliens? Will they meet an advanced civilization with technology to get them home? And will they finally make a book last more than three episodes?

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Episode 10 - Starship Traveller part 2
13/03/2019

Space.The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Traveller. Its two-episode-and-counting mission; to explore plagiarised ideas. To seek out old themes and poorly disguised copies of characters. To boldly steal what no other writer would dare.

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Episode 9 - Starship Traveller part 1
06/03/2019

Your hosts start a new adventure as Martyn takes on the role of a starship traveller aboard the Starship Traveller in book four, Starship Traveller. Who said these books lacked imagination?

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Episode 8 - Forest of Doom part 3
27/02/2019

Gathering a dead dwarf's hammer is hard work, and the path through the Forest of Doom is full of bandits. Literally full of bandits. Like you can't move for bloody bandits in this episode. But will your hosts make it to the other side with both pieces of the hammer? And more importantly, will they get to use the Glove of Missile Dexterity?

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Episode 7 - Forest of Doom part 2
20/02/2019

Mark and Martyn have survived a battle with a scared pig and a man who makes his living with his arms, but the Forest of Doom has many dangers. Dangers with hairy dicks.

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Episode 6 - Forest of Doom part 1
13/02/2019

A new adventure awaits your hosts as a dying dwarf delivers a message about a broken hammer in the woods, and Mark and Martyn begin a shape-changing, arm-wrestling, pig-punching journey into the Forest of Doom!

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Episode 5 - Citadel of Chaos part 3
06/02/2019

Fresh off the almost unbelievable success of the room full of deadly goblin games, Martyn and Mark push their luck to the limits as they face off against fire-eyed hags and tempting hard-to-reach boxes. Who needs stupid levitation spells anyway?

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Episode 4 - Citadel of Chaos part 2
30/01/2019

Martyn and Mark venture deeper into the Citadel of Chaos, and after making some questionable life choices it starts to become apparent that Martyn needs to stop drinking all the liquid he comes across.

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Episode 3 - Citadel of Chaos part 1
23/01/2019

After conquering Firetop Mountain our hosts begin a new quest in the Citadel of Chaos, where dogs and apes apparently cross-breed at will, and mysterious milky liquid is free for all.

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Episode 2 - The Warlock of Firetop Mountain part 2
16/01/2019

Roll up and role up; Mark and Martyn continue their search for the Warlock's treasure, as they prove it's possible to literally get lost in a book.

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Episode 1 - The Warlock of Firetop Mountain part 1
09/01/2019

Your W4B hosts Mark and Martyn choose their own adventure in the first episode of this new series, fighting goblins, orcs and their urge to set fire to straw mattresses as they begin a playthrough of the first Fighting Fantasy adventure book, the Warlock of Firetop Mountain.